Thursday, July 6, 2017

Zero to Ready in Less than 20 Mins

I've finally decided it was time to come back and start making videos again. It look me a lot of time to think, re-think, and think again, whether or not I wanted to come back and continue with LazybumToT. Over the years I've become insecure, and insincere with the content I was putting out. All I cared about was whether or not I can visually please people and sell the products I was sponsored. I had forgotten the real purpose to which I created this channel, to share my happiness with you guys, from creating.

So here I am, with that strengthened purpose, I come back with the utter most sincerity, to shamelessly be me.

This look takes it back to where we started, a simple, time saving look that makes me feel beautiful without too much effort to create.

I hope you enjoy it.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Memories and the Little Pieces of Me I Have Given Away

In a super nostalgic mood today. I wouldn't necessarily call it a sadness that I'm feeling, but there's a hint of ... longing.
Memories tend to play little tricks and affect our hearts in a way that almost hurts, but hurts in a way that makes you want to feel it over and over again.

Memories sometimes make me feel like I want to go back in time and relive them. Or make an effort to create more of the same memories with people who are no longer in my life. The brain likes to play little tricks and only remember the warm, fuzzy moments that made us feel whole and complete. The times when they made you smile with the tiniest gesture, the moments when you locked eyes and everything just felt...right. Despite how things didn't work those memories will always find a way to creep back up and remind you of how "perfect" everything once used to be. The few seconds in which I sometimes relive those feelings with slightly altered conditions by the brain (to make things appear even more perfect, did they really take place? Sometimes I don't even remember), leads me to feel a brief sense of warmth and intimacy with what once WAS. As those brief moments pass I get reminded again of reality, and how those memories are merely shadows from the past. Pleasure, followed by disappointment, hollowness, and pain? Yet the mind tricks me to replay those snippets over and over again on days like today. A bit masochistic, aren't I.

I am fully aware of the fact that I have a highly addictive personality, whether it be with people or things. I become attached quickly and invest emotionally to an extent that gives up a part of myself. As people and things come and go in my life, so do those little parts that I give away. These little "gifts" that I pack up and present to others sometimes get tossed in the trash and become spoiled, and that's the last I'll ever see them. Overtime I become more and more hollow because I haven't learned the lesson of not giving away any part of yourself no matter what the game of life might deal you with.

These are lessons with which I should finally realize, that only by loving yourself and filling your heart with unconditional love can you then, become wholesome, ready to face anything that comes knocking.

Today was one of those days. A reminder that these snippets in time that no longer are, the pieces that I have given away, all serve to teach me a valuable lesson in love, and life.

But I miss you.
And the US that once was.

-Words From a Dramatic Hopeless Romantic =P

Friday, March 31, 2017

Invisible Contentment

Today's post will be slightly different from all the other ones lately. I've been struggling internally to find a place where I can be content and stay there. It has been a conscious effort to keep positivity and motivation. However, amidst all this effort, I suddenly realized today that I was HAPPY. I didn't need to think about being happy, or make an effort to be happy, or force myself to acknowledge some sort of gratefulness from a conscious mental reminder.

As I stood in the middle of the parking lot with the sun shining over my head, at some random moment during the day, I felt myself smiling, for absolutely no reason.


I just wanted to share this with the world. It was AMAZING.

Smiling just because, for no absolute reason, because we can.


End of post.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

More Fucking Lemons from Life and How I Responded

Just when you feel like you made some bomb ass lemonade from the sour lemons life threw at you more came along.


"Positive Mental Attitude. I read this in a book. Keep your mind in a positive state and don't let those sour lemons sting your eyes." These are the thoughts that went through my mind. But to be honest, how many of us can really shift our mind sets under immense stress and negativity? I tried to tell myself that it isn't the end of the world but the negative thoughts are like pesty flies attacking a piece of rotten meat, relentless. This had been day... 3 or 4 of my attempt for "acceptance" for a situation that was completely due to "bad luck" or some "evil energy" lurking in the background that I had no control over.

Surprisingly I was handling it pretty well for the past few days. I hadn't freaked out at all up until this point albeit the shitty situation at hand and honestly I was low key proud of myself. But then life threw more sour lemons at me. WHAT?! MULTIPLE SHITTY VARIABLES AND EXPONENTIAL AMOUNT OF SOUR LEMONS?! I felt a gush of panic flow through my chest and my head started spinning. I realized that, shit, I'm not good at handling multiple shitty situations at once. (LOL) At this point I tried everything I possibly could to convince myself to practice a positive mental attitude, but the panic felt so overwhelming that my entire body felt sick. One thing led to another, and before I knew it I created a downward spiral with a bunch of useless info from the darkness of my subconscious...

This was yesterday, let's fast forward to today, to this moment. I FEEL FINE. I didn't die. This morning came just like any other morning. I got out of bed and came to work and ate breakfast and worked. Just like any other morning. I worked out. Now I'm sitting here, feeling pretty decently. How did I get through the panic? I CONTINUED WITH WHAT I HAD TO DO AND KEPT LIVING.
I know that sounds really stupid but I literally told myself to continue to do what I need to do and despite how shitty I felt in that moment to keep going. I went to Target and got a few things I needed, went home and made myself chicken noodle soup from a can (when you are sick and congested this is the best thing right?...-_- this is the best I can do lol.), then knocked the fuck out for an hour because at this point my body mentally and physically could not handle anything. But then I woke up and continued some more with life and yesterday turned into today, and here I am, and guess what, THINGS ARE OKAY.

Back to the situation that I was stressing over, now looking in retrospect, that one point it was just out of my hands and no matter how much I stress and freak out, I did the best I could and that should be enough. I shouldn't have been so tough on myself to cause all the unnecessary pain and pressure on my already uncomfortable body from acquiring a cold from someone at work. But this was what I was used to doing, create negative feed back loops that cause more negative thoughts to be created. What I learned from yesterday was that despite how shitty and terrible you may feel in any particular moment, life doesn't wait for you, and you have to continue regardless of how you feel. Once you make it past that hurdle what's facing you ahead is a new day that has endless potentials for positivity, only if you want them. Because I didn't let myself stop and give up on my routine and disciplines I was able to regain a sense of control compared to the panic I felt the other day. I was able to create some sort of motivation to propel myself in a positive direction.

So the take away lesson from this long and ranty post is that, (as stupid and duh as this sounds) just keep going. <3

Friday, March 17, 2017

Vulnerability Under Stress

Panic attack strikes again.

"Life throws you lemons. You make lemonade."
Easier said than done. Sometimes the lemons that life throws at me are so sour that they sting my eyes, they make me tear up, they make me feel defeated, and they make me feel like the world is going to end in that moment.

The weeks on end of radical self help and attempt at improvement has really helped, I think. Compared to the state I was in a few weeks ago. But this isn't something that can be fixed in a few short weeks. My anxiety is caused by deep rooted bad habits and my pessimistic mind's inclination to catastrophize very scenario until I corner myself and render myself useless. Upon realizing today that I really have no one else to rely on for things like these and in frantic, helpless moments like these other than... myself, my panic attack struck hard.

"Life throws you lemons."
Sometimes it IS like that, LIFE, THROWS lemons at you. You didn't ask for those lemons, you didn't ask for life to throw them at you, but it just does, and it throws these sour lemons at you when you think you are starting to do all the right things finally and things are going to be better. And then Bam! Sour fucking lemons in the face. What do you do? You can choose to be like me, become completely useless and self blame and dwell, or you can pick up those fucking sour lemons and throw it back at life. I'm currently writing this in attempt to convince myself to do just that.

My breathing is more contained now, I feel a little less fucking crazy, and looking back now, I was actually already doing the right things to throw those sour lemons back at life. But why didn't I give myself credit in those moments? I took immediate attention when I realized I had failed to apply for something that would require a bit of time and jumped on it right away. I called corresponding parties to inquire whether the remaining days would be enough time if I had taken action immediately now. They told me it should be okay. All I had to do was start and finish, even though the schedule is tight, but it's not un-doable. Things are fine then right? Nope, my mind continued to race and my heart palpitated with a tempo that rushed a shit load of blood into my brain, all of which led to my panic attack mentioned above. In moments like these I always feel SO ALONE. I feel useless, I feel like crying, I feel like I need someone to be there for me. But I failed to see that I am actually REALLY STRONG, and SMART. I knew what to do to try to fix the problem at hand, and I knew I had to put in hard work for something that might not even work out, and I also knew that I would be okay to take the responsibilities if that was the case. BUT. I didn't give myself credit for knowing all of that. My mind immediately went to look for comfort externally, when really, deep inside, I already took care of myself, I already took the actions necessary to prevent any more mistakes being made.

"Life throws you lemons."
I already knew how to make that lemonade. Maybe it's a sour lemonade, but I had it in myself to make something out of it. I just didn't and wasn't able to see it.

I'm understanding a bit more about myself each day, and every day I'm growing a bit stronger.
This, I think, is learning to love myself.

Monday, March 13, 2017

Taking "Me" Time

Once in a while I will take a "me" day to mentally and physically give myself a break from work and life. I think it's essential to do that for ourselves here and there to rejuvenate and refocus. Normally on a day like this I would sleep in and watch TV in bed all day. But yesterday I took the liberty to give this day of "me time" some more value and actively engaged in activities that nurtured my soul.

I let myself sleep in and embarked on "me day" with a late start. The sun was shining brightly outside and my heart felt the slightest bit of warmth despite my previous onset of "internal cloudy days". I climbed out of bed and got dressed in the most comfortable outfit that hugged my body ever so gently. By now it had been lunch time and for the first time in a long time I encouraged myself to eat at a restaurant alone. So with my book and purse in hand, I stepped out the door to welcome the rest of "me day".

Lunch consisted of yummy pan fried pork buns with a side of sweet soy milk. Asian dishes like these often give me a sense of comfort and that day it didn't fail either. As I flipped through the pages of my "feel good" book and indulged in my simple lunch I felt a sense of peacefulness, in the stillness of my  rediscovered autonomy.

Following lunch I drove to the nearest coffee joint and sat down with a nice cup of brew and just read. A few hours went by and still ... I felt a sense of peacefulness.

As the rays of sunshine peaked through strands of my hair they lit up the pages I read, and warmed my heart a bit more. I stood up from the couch and walked out of the coffee shop with a breezy calmness.

I found myself sitting in central park awhile later, fully letting the sun embrace my body, every inch of it, and indulged in the moment for it made me feel whole, and it gave me love. In that moment, I felt fulfillment. It felt familiar, yet foreign, but it felt so good that I became teary eyed. I look around and just let this moment sink in. The sun, the green grass, shady trees with children running underneath, the children's laughter... All of this was so beautiful to me. I took a deep breath in and told myself that this, was love.

Suddenly, I realized that I was smiling...

Even though a day like this happens very rarely for me in my current state, on the rare occasion that it does take place, I'm reminded of how beautiful and amazing life really is. And that if we just allow ourselves to experience it this way more often, heart hearts could be that much fuller.


Monday, March 6, 2017

What a 6 AM Workout Did For Me

Upon realizing that I had to get my shit together and change the way I've been living for the last 25 years of my life, this also included a radical incorporation of daily gym sessions compared to the 1-2 times a week prior. Originally I was going after work, around 5-6 PM, and finished around 7-8, this would mean the rest of my evening really involved eating, showering, and nothing else. I then decided it would be much more efficient to get gym out of the way during my 1 hr lunch break, and that was a game changer because it freed up so much time after work. I now had time to go out to dinner with friends or just sit back and read a good book (on radical self help... lol).

Today I did something drastically different than my normal routine. Instead of waking up at 7AM I set my alarm to 6 AM the night before, and actually woke up at 5:30 AM (God forbid, who am I?). I told myself I'd try going to the gym in the early AM and see if it makes a difference in how my day would progress. And behold! It's now about 11 AM in the morning, it might be too early to tell but I can tell you I feel significantly more positive and at ease. Not sure if it's because I "accomplished" something that I've never tried before, but the amount of peacefulness that I feel currently is really giving me hope and motivation to become better (whatever that means).

I arrived at the gym around 6:15 AM and proceeded with my fasted cardio work out. I set the timer on manual and run in intervals of 30 seconds with alternating speeds of 10 and 3.5. I do that for about 10 - 15 mins. I then proceeded to some light weight lifting. The thing about working out with an empty stomach is really a double edged sword, you burn more fat supposedly, but also because of  a lack of energy source, you can't work out as hard and thus can't push yourself as much. Regardless, I completed my one hr work out and headed back to work. The goal here is to lose the 10 lbs or ish I put on during this period of time that I no longer want to talk about because I seriously write about it too much. Many people look at me like I'm crazy and tell me I already look like paper, why do I want to lose weight? It's about self image and self love okay? If I feel like losing 10 lbs will make me feel better about myself then I will do just that. (Insert extreme sass here.)

Back at work, it's about 7:40 AM (This is the time I usually get ready to leave home to come to work, yet I'm already here, feeling pretty good.). It's quiet, not a lot of people are here yet, I check my emails, get some work done, drink my coffee and then got breakfast at the cafe downstairs, all before 8 AM. It is now 11 AM in the morning, and I have been awake, focused, with minimal negative thoughts on my mind. I felt a sense of lightness, almost floaty, and in 30 minutes I will go grab a healthy bite to conclude the morning half of my day.

Why am I documenting this? Because I want to remember this feeling, the feeling of taking care of myself and completing "goals" despite how small, and the feeling of following through and feeling good about it. Self empowerment is filled with challenges and roadblocks. I felt a strong set back over the weekend with the copious amount of precipitation and lack of sunlight. (Wouldn't it be nice to have someone here next to me to feel like everything is okay? Wouldn't it be nice to just cuddle with someone and eat junk food and watch movies? Yeah it is nice, but you know this is all you know how to do right? At the end of the day that hollow self will never be satiated, and you will never be happy. AND whoever that sad soul is next to you will feel suffocated and become miserable.) However, because I did this for myself today and followed through with it I challenged my body and my mind to try something new and feel good about it. I'm breathing, I'm living, I'm weeding through the darkness that tends to shroud my mind on a daily, little by little.

So the journey continues...