I can't really say that this "condition" presents itself frequently in my current state. I don't know how long it's been this way but it seems like I've long forgotten how this "condition" feels. What makes us unique is the ability to feel, when one can no longer feel does that mark the end of humanity? Being disconnected from surroundings and from the world yet pretending to be "living" feels so terrible. But I think a lot of us do that because it takes that from us to survive. And although surviving isn't nearly as enjoyable as "living", the very primal instincts inside of each one of us direct us to continue to hold on.
I can't complain about my life, I really can't. There are so many unfortunate souls out there without a roof above their heads and without clothes on their back. I have a wonderful rented home with three fabulous housemates and I make enough money every month to pay rent and fill my stomach. On top of all that I have the luxury to treat myself here and there with little gifts I spoil myself with and really, I can't complain about life. But... I'm not happy.
It feels as though I've gotten into a routine of banal daily activities that entail the same thoughtless movements. Wake up, work, go home, feel disconnected and exhausted from life, force myself to sleep to face the next day... repeat. I am so grateful for being able to have a decent job that enables me to have a life with decent comfort (being a single girl at 22 yrs old). I had graduated from UC Irvine with a bachelor's degree in Biological Sciences back in March and felt utter despair from realization that a minuscule degree like the one I had obtained through sweat and blood was in fact, useless. But I think I should thank someone out there, maybe Jesus, for letting me find a job within two months after graduation, a job that would allow me to live independently and comfortably. But all of this, from graduating college, to finding a job, to today, to this very moment, I don't feel accomplished or grounded for any of it. I don't feel proud of myself for graduating in three and a half years for a degree that I virtually had learned nothing from, I don't feel proud of myself for finding a job that supports a decently comfortable lifestyle for me, and I don't feel proud of myself for being... me. Why? Because I'm not happy.
I don't want to be perceived as a sappy person who cannot handle life, one who dwells upon the "unfortunate" life that she has, so I put on an impeccably tough mask that shields me from everything and everyone. I smile, I laugh, almost automatically, I don't think. These "emotions", or reactions, rather, just come forth by themselves throughout the day. They're little tokens that mark me as a "normal human" to others. A simple smile, chuckle, or laugh can divert people away from my tormented inner self, and thus I can blend into the normal every day world perfectly fine. Time after time this pretend self of mine almost feels like what should be. Automatic, lifeless, robotic. For awhile it worked for me. I felt like I could put on this show for the world and do what I "should" do, pretend to be a certain way so I can survive this world. Live a "comfortable" life that doesn't require all that much from me. But recently I've been feeling more anxiety than usual and every little thing I encounter throughout the day bestows an ominous, suffocating cast of darkness upon me. I feel weary, afraid, more lost than ever. I don't want to wake up every morning and I don't want to interact with other human beings. It's gotten to the point that I don't feel like doing ANYTHING. By that I mean, EVERYTHING. Going on with the day makes me feel extreme anxiety. The need to interact with other human beings induce excruciating anxiety. The fact that I have to get out of bed and go to work, which leads to inevitable interactions with others, gives me terrible anxiety. I hate it. I feel so much pressure inside at all times, the amount of anxiety I feel only increases by day and seems to be going strong. Anxiety, fear, the feelings of despair, of hopelessness, worthlessness, emptiness. But really though, I know I have so much to be grateful for, and I am. I really am. I'm so grateful for everything I have. But I am so unhappy... Sitting here writing this blog post almost feels counter intuitive because I don't want this side of me to be exposed. However, I am almost certain that as strange as I may be and as terrible as I may feel, these feelings are probably more normal than I perceive them to be and that I am not the only one who feels this way. Underneath it all, all of the rainbows and sparkles I embellish myself with, this is how I really am. I am far from being perfect, far from the happy, carefree fairy princess that you see from Youtube and Instagram. We are all just striving to make sense out of life and going through the motions to get to a point where things feel like they fall in the right place. I'm far from that place right now but I hope to get there soon. For all of you out there, let's strive together.
Best of luck.