More Fucking Lemons from Life and How I Responded

Just when you feel like you made some bomb ass lemonade from the sour lemons life threw at you more came along.

FUCK.

"Positive Mental Attitude. I read this in a book. Keep your mind in a positive state and don't let those sour lemons sting your eyes." These are the thoughts that went through my mind. But to be honest, how many of us can really shift our mind sets under immense stress and negativity? I tried to tell myself that it isn't the end of the world but the negative thoughts are like pesty flies attacking a piece of rotten meat, relentless. This had been day... 3 or 4 of my attempt for "acceptance" for a situation that was completely due to "bad luck" or some "evil energy" lurking in the background that I had no control over.

Surprisingly I was handling it pretty well for the past few days. I hadn't freaked out at all up until this point albeit the shitty situation at hand and honestly I was low key proud of myself. But then life threw more sour lemons at me. WHAT?! MULTIPLE SHITTY VARIABLES AND EXPONENTIAL AMOUNT OF SOUR LEMONS?! I felt a gush of panic flow through my chest and my head started spinning. I realized that, shit, I'm not good at handling multiple shitty situations at once. (LOL) At this point I tried everything I possibly could to convince myself to practice a positive mental attitude, but the panic felt so overwhelming that my entire body felt sick. One thing led to another, and before I knew it I created a downward spiral with a bunch of useless info from the darkness of my subconscious...

This was yesterday, let's fast forward to today, to this moment. I FEEL FINE. I didn't die. This morning came just like any other morning. I got out of bed and came to work and ate breakfast and worked. Just like any other morning. I worked out. Now I'm sitting here, feeling pretty decently. How did I get through the panic? I CONTINUED WITH WHAT I HAD TO DO AND KEPT LIVING.
I know that sounds really stupid but I literally told myself to continue to do what I need to do and despite how shitty I felt in that moment to keep going. I went to Target and got a few things I needed, went home and made myself chicken noodle soup from a can (when you are sick and congested this is the best thing right?...-_- this is the best I can do lol.), then knocked the fuck out for an hour because at this point my body mentally and physically could not handle anything. But then I woke up and continued some more with life and yesterday turned into today, and here I am, and guess what, THINGS ARE OKAY.

Back to the situation that I was stressing over, now looking in retrospect, that one point it was just out of my hands and no matter how much I stress and freak out, I did the best I could and that should be enough. I shouldn't have been so tough on myself to cause all the unnecessary pain and pressure on my already uncomfortable body from acquiring a cold from someone at work. But this was what I was used to doing, create negative feed back loops that cause more negative thoughts to be created. What I learned from yesterday was that despite how shitty and terrible you may feel in any particular moment, life doesn't wait for you, and you have to continue regardless of how you feel. Once you make it past that hurdle what's facing you ahead is a new day that has endless potentials for positivity, only if you want them. Because I didn't let myself stop and give up on my routine and disciplines I was able to regain a sense of control compared to the panic I felt the other day. I was able to create some sort of motivation to propel myself in a positive direction.

So the take away lesson from this long and ranty post is that, (as stupid and duh as this sounds) just keep going. <3

.

"Happiness is a mood, a condition, not a destination."

I can't really say that this "condition" presents itself frequently in my current state. I don't know how long it's been this way but it seems like I've long forgotten how this "condition" feels. What makes us unique is the ability to feel, when one can no longer feel does that mark the end of humanity? Being disconnected from surroundings and from the world yet pretending to be "living" feels so terrible. But I think a lot of us do that because it takes that from us to survive. And although surviving isn't nearly as enjoyable as "living", the very primal instincts inside of each one of us direct us to continue to hold on. 

I can't complain about my life, I really can't. There are so many unfortunate souls out there without a roof above their heads and without clothes on their back. I have a wonderful rented home with three fabulous housemates and I make enough money every month to pay rent and fill my stomach. On top of all that I have the luxury to treat myself here and there with little gifts I spoil myself with and really, I can't complain about life. But... I'm not happy. 

It feels as though I've gotten into a routine of banal daily activities that entail the same thoughtless movements. Wake up, work, go home, feel disconnected and exhausted from life, force myself to sleep to face the next day... repeat. I am so grateful for being able to have a decent job that enables me to have a life with decent comfort (being a single girl at 22 yrs old). I had graduated from UC Irvine with a bachelor's degree in Biological Sciences back in March and felt utter despair from realization that a minuscule  degree like the one I had obtained through sweat and blood was in fact, useless. But I think I should thank someone out there, maybe Jesus, for letting me find a job within two months after graduation, a job that would allow me to live independently and comfortably. But all of this, from graduating college, to finding a job, to today, to this very moment, I don't feel accomplished or grounded for any of it. I don't feel proud of myself for graduating in three and a half years for a degree that I virtually had learned nothing from, I don't feel proud of myself for finding a job that supports a decently comfortable lifestyle for me, and I don't feel proud of myself for being... me. Why? Because I'm not happy.

I don't want to be perceived as a sappy person who cannot handle life, one who dwells upon the "unfortunate" life that she has, so I put on an impeccably tough mask that shields me from everything and everyone. I smile, I laugh, almost automatically, I don't think. These "emotions", or reactions, rather, just come forth by themselves throughout the day. They're little tokens that mark me as a "normal human" to others.  A simple smile, chuckle, or laugh can divert people away from my tormented inner self, and thus I can blend into the normal every day world perfectly fine. Time after time this pretend self of mine almost feels like what should be. Automatic, lifeless, robotic. For awhile it worked for me. I felt like I could put on this show for the world and do what I "should" do, pretend to be a certain way so I can survive this world. Live a "comfortable" life that doesn't require all that much from me. But recently I've been feeling more anxiety than usual and every little thing I encounter throughout the day bestows an ominous, suffocating cast of darkness upon me. I feel weary, afraid, more lost than ever. I don't want to wake up every morning and I don't want to interact with other human beings.  It's gotten to the point that I don't feel like doing ANYTHING. By that I mean, EVERYTHING. Going on with the day makes me feel extreme anxiety. The need to interact with other human beings induce excruciating anxiety. The fact that I have to get out of bed and go to work, which leads to inevitable interactions with others, gives me terrible anxiety. I hate it. I feel so much pressure inside at all times, the amount of anxiety I feel only increases by day and seems to be going strong. Anxiety, fear, the feelings of despair, of hopelessness, worthlessness, emptiness. But really though, I know I have so much to be grateful for, and I am. I really am. I'm so grateful for everything I have. But I am so unhappy... Sitting here writing this blog post almost feels counter intuitive because I don't want this side of me to be exposed. However, I am almost certain that as strange as I may be and as terrible as I may feel, these feelings are probably more normal than I perceive them to be and that I am not the only one who feels this way. Underneath it all, all of the rainbows and sparkles I embellish myself with, this is how I really am. I am far from being perfect, far from the happy, carefree fairy princess that you see from Youtube and Instagram. We are all just striving to make sense out of life and going through the motions to get to a point where things feel like they fall in the right place. I'm far from that place right now but I hope to get there soon. For all of you out there, let's strive together. 

Best of luck.