Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Re-channeling LBT

As 2016 comes to a close I began to think about the journey that had taken place since I've created LazybumToT. It's been so many years that I forget what exactly made me want to film that very first video on my HP lap top web cam but I have to give it to the LBT then because she was fearless.

Fast forwarding to today, I no longer feel like I identify with the girl then, who so passionately loved to create and influence. I've gotten a desk job in a corporation and sit inside my little cubicle every day doing the things that my superiors assign to me. Then I go home and think to myself, "wow I'm really tired" or "I feel so exhausted for some reason". Just like that, days go by, then months, years. 

Living behind a wall created by yours truly means I really can't complain much because I live a "comfortable" and "safe" life. I gave up the hustle and bustle of the YouTube world for a long time because I seemed to have lost my direction and purpose in that world. As more skilled and more passionate YouTubers saturate the platform I couldn't help but feel defeated and not worthy to stand behind the LBT channel. I'm not super skilled with makeup, or hair. My style really isn't that unique. These thoughts... led me to think that maybe I wasn't worthy enough to put anything else on the channel to waste people's time. The older I got the more I felt like maybe I am just REALLY FULL OF SHIT. 

Then suddenly it hit me.

The me back then really didn't need a reason to make that first video. I made that decision purely out of...impulse. The person that I was led me this many years into the YouTube world, and led me to so many of YOU. And if I just give up now, I'd be disappointing so many of you. Growing up from an awkward teenager to the young woman that I am today included so many of you along the way, the countless support and encouragements, which really warmed my heart and made the whole experience that much better. So I guess what I'm really trying to say is I would like to continue this journey, with everyone of you. And make this an even better experience for all of us. 

What this means is, LBT needs a makeover. I am no longer the 16 year old little girl who played with makeup and giggled because that made me so happy that I'd forget everything else. Neither are some of you. Along the way we've grown, we've changed, life became a little more complicated and many things aren't so dainty and easy any more. Putting on a full face of make up and dressing up can no longer hold the fort down in many scenarios, and hell, SHIT GETS REAL HARD sometimes. This is where the makeover comes in. I would like to be more genuine, I would like to be more realistic, less of the fairy princess BS and more of what's present. There are things like anxiety and depression that I never talked about because I felt like it would interfere with the fairy princess image that LBT stood for. There were things like living with an abusive father and not knowing how to deal with the repercussions and growing up confused. Or, watching my co-dependent mother suffer and cope with a toxic relationship because she wants to keep a "wholesome" family for her children. Aside from these things also came things like working in a corporation where I don't identify, developing a fake personality so I can cope with this foreign environment. And other really fucked up shit that I never really exposed on social media because I was too AFRAID to show you guys the REAL ME. 

Tying back to the channel, I would like to show you guys all of the things that make me LBT. Not just the fairy princess, naive, innocently hopeful side, but also the dark, helpless, and confused me who really plays a large portion of my day to day life. I know a lot of us suffer from mental health issues but I was too afraid to share with the rest of the world some of the thoughts that hindered me useless as a human being. Going into 2017 I'd like to come face to face with that side and get really personal with you guys regarding them. But this doesn't mean LBT will no longer be a safe haven for all things fairy princess-esque. Instead of being "innocently hopeful" and "naive", I'd like to present a more practical side of the sparkly and glamorous LBT, a side that is more applicable to the hustle and bustle of the real world. Because after all, we all have to try to make life work, don't we? 

To be honest, I'm jump starting LBT as a new project for 2017 because I need it. I find myself living in a state of being "lost" for so long sometimes that I forget who I am as a person or even what I want to be as a person. I think there's something therapeutic about blogging and I would like to take advantage of that if that's okay with you guys. Let's strive to be a better version of ourselves in 2017, and together, create a more mature, and more relatable LBT.


1 comment:

  1. I love you girl!! I am with you!