Depression, Growing Pains, Why I Haven't Been Blogging, and Other Random Thoughts

Scatter brained...

Sometimes I sit here and ponder about why I get random anxiety attacks, why the world isn't the way I perceived as a child any more,  and why things just don't feel right...anymore.

What changed? What's different? What happened to "happiness" that was once so easily obtained?
Whether it was saving up to get a toy that I wanted badly or simply just running around in the park like a crazy lunatic, being "happy" was never an issue as a child. I remember days I'd read manga on the floor of Borders and completely enjoy every second of it without spending a dime. Things like that... so innocent, so simple, yet made life so fulfilling and happy in that moment.

Fast forward to today, the same things done in a different time, aren't so fulfilling any more. I spend a good portion of my savings on vain beauty related things, eating out, treating myself, yet at the end of the day I still feel as hollow as ever. I think of running around like a wild lunatic in the park but the only thoughts that follow immediately are how crazy other people are going to think of me. I try to relive the pure bliss I had as a child sitting on the floor of Borders and completely emerging into unrealistic and fantasized scenarios but all I could hear in my mind are cynical remarks of how silly and ridiculous the characters are and how perfect scenarios depicted in these stories almost never occur in reality.

So what changed then?
I got older. Time wore me down. Life got to me.

Growing up I never had much, I didn't have a closely knit family, nor did I have many friends. Little things that I did for myself and little goals that I achieved in life really gave me the greatest joy. Every little milestone, every new friend, every "next stage" in life made me feel like I was growing up and becoming someone smarter, better, and life was going to be wonderful. I couldn't wait to fall in love.  I couldn't wait to graduate high school and go to college. I couldn't wait to graduate college and get a job and become a member of the society. All of these "couldn't wait" scenarios became reality one by one. Then one day suddenly here I am, sitting in front of a beat up mac book asking myself, why am I not happy?

As a "blogger" I'm always perceived as a bright, bubbly spirit who is expert at beauty and fashion and that everything in my life is covered with rainbows and sparkles. Sure, I was extremely passionate about beauty and fashion in the beginning, so inspired by every little new trick I learned, I couldn't wait to share with the world. The idea of inspiring others through blogging gave me fuel and made me want to learn... grow... so that I can continue to inspire. Then suddenly one day I saw what the blogging industry has become, a bunch of "pretty" girls shamelessly advertising products and selling their "images" (sometimes "body") in exchange for a penny. I'm guilty of it sometimes too, but that's where it got to me. I didn't want to be one of those girls. I no longer felt inspired nor did I feel like I was worthy any longer to inspire anyone else.

Social media is a toxic place filled with false advertisements and made up happiness. What you see in one glamorous picture does not depict the entirety of someone's life, and behind that bright smile may be deep sorrows and dark emotions. Most of us rely on the instant gratification that comes from social media to feel validated and sane, to feel like life has a purpose. But once the mirage of social media is taken away, nothing is left. The reason why I haven't been blogging or filming is because I have been struggling with self acceptance and finding clarity in a made up life that I trapped myself in. Social media, validations, acceptance from others. All of it at the end of the day is not integral to my own being. BUT, the very fact that it has dictated my life and my "happiness" became an invisible shackle that rendered me more and more helpless and closer and closer to a dark place that I can't climb out of. I originally started writing this post back in April of 2016. It's almost a year later now, and I came back to this post because one, I can no longer stand this self intoxication that things are okay when they are not, and two, I would like to proactively advocate on topics such as depression and self awareness to maybe, and perhaps, benefit those of you suffering from similar situations.

I'm not writing this post to gain pity from the world. What I'm beginning to learn is to accept myself and how I feel and not rely on outsourced validations that ultimately mean...nothing to me. I know my "problems" and "confusions" come from deeply rooted issues that were never addressed as a child and I thought burying them away would give me the opportunities to move forward to better things and happier moments in life. I'm also realizing that that's a foolish act. By avoiding these unresolved issues for so long I've only let them build up to the point of no return. I've subconsciously become a slave to them and show that in everything I do and every choice I make in life. I wanted to document my journey to self finding and self acceptance on social media because I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. If my story can help or inspire anyone at all. Even if it's just one other person and allow that person to feel the slightest sense of comfort and reassurance, then my job here is done.