Memories and the Little Pieces of Me I Have Given Away

In a super nostalgic mood today. I wouldn't necessarily call it a sadness that I'm feeling, but there's a hint of ... longing.
Memories tend to play little tricks and affect our hearts in a way that almost hurts, but hurts in a way that makes you want to feel it over and over again.

Memories sometimes make me feel like I want to go back in time and relive them. Or make an effort to create more of the same memories with people who are no longer in my life. The brain likes to play little tricks and only remember the warm, fuzzy moments that made us feel whole and complete. The times when they made you smile with the tiniest gesture, the moments when you locked eyes and everything just felt...right. Despite how things didn't work those memories will always find a way to creep back up and remind you of how "perfect" everything once used to be. The few seconds in which I sometimes relive those feelings with slightly altered conditions by the brain (to make things appear even more perfect, did they really take place? Sometimes I don't even remember), leads me to feel a brief sense of warmth and intimacy with what once WAS. As those brief moments pass I get reminded again of reality, and how those memories are merely shadows from the past. Pleasure, followed by disappointment, hollowness, and pain? Yet the mind tricks me to replay those snippets over and over again on days like today. A bit masochistic, aren't I.

I am fully aware of the fact that I have a highly addictive personality, whether it be with people or things. I become attached quickly and invest emotionally to an extent that gives up a part of myself. As people and things come and go in my life, so do those little parts that I give away. These little "gifts" that I pack up and present to others sometimes get tossed in the trash and become spoiled, and that's the last I'll ever see them. Overtime I become more and more hollow because I haven't learned the lesson of not giving away any part of yourself no matter what the game of life might deal you with.

These are lessons with which I should finally realize, that only by loving yourself and filling your heart with unconditional love can you then, become wholesome, ready to face anything that comes knocking.

Today was one of those days. A reminder that these snippets in time that no longer are, the pieces that I have given away, all serve to teach me a valuable lesson in love, and life.








...
But I miss you.
And the US that once was.



-Words From a Dramatic Hopeless Romantic =P

More Fucking Lemons from Life and How I Responded

Just when you feel like you made some bomb ass lemonade from the sour lemons life threw at you more came along.

FUCK.

"Positive Mental Attitude. I read this in a book. Keep your mind in a positive state and don't let those sour lemons sting your eyes." These are the thoughts that went through my mind. But to be honest, how many of us can really shift our mind sets under immense stress and negativity? I tried to tell myself that it isn't the end of the world but the negative thoughts are like pesty flies attacking a piece of rotten meat, relentless. This had been day... 3 or 4 of my attempt for "acceptance" for a situation that was completely due to "bad luck" or some "evil energy" lurking in the background that I had no control over.

Surprisingly I was handling it pretty well for the past few days. I hadn't freaked out at all up until this point albeit the shitty situation at hand and honestly I was low key proud of myself. But then life threw more sour lemons at me. WHAT?! MULTIPLE SHITTY VARIABLES AND EXPONENTIAL AMOUNT OF SOUR LEMONS?! I felt a gush of panic flow through my chest and my head started spinning. I realized that, shit, I'm not good at handling multiple shitty situations at once. (LOL) At this point I tried everything I possibly could to convince myself to practice a positive mental attitude, but the panic felt so overwhelming that my entire body felt sick. One thing led to another, and before I knew it I created a downward spiral with a bunch of useless info from the darkness of my subconscious...

This was yesterday, let's fast forward to today, to this moment. I FEEL FINE. I didn't die. This morning came just like any other morning. I got out of bed and came to work and ate breakfast and worked. Just like any other morning. I worked out. Now I'm sitting here, feeling pretty decently. How did I get through the panic? I CONTINUED WITH WHAT I HAD TO DO AND KEPT LIVING.
I know that sounds really stupid but I literally told myself to continue to do what I need to do and despite how shitty I felt in that moment to keep going. I went to Target and got a few things I needed, went home and made myself chicken noodle soup from a can (when you are sick and congested this is the best thing right?...-_- this is the best I can do lol.), then knocked the fuck out for an hour because at this point my body mentally and physically could not handle anything. But then I woke up and continued some more with life and yesterday turned into today, and here I am, and guess what, THINGS ARE OKAY.

Back to the situation that I was stressing over, now looking in retrospect, that one point it was just out of my hands and no matter how much I stress and freak out, I did the best I could and that should be enough. I shouldn't have been so tough on myself to cause all the unnecessary pain and pressure on my already uncomfortable body from acquiring a cold from someone at work. But this was what I was used to doing, create negative feed back loops that cause more negative thoughts to be created. What I learned from yesterday was that despite how shitty and terrible you may feel in any particular moment, life doesn't wait for you, and you have to continue regardless of how you feel. Once you make it past that hurdle what's facing you ahead is a new day that has endless potentials for positivity, only if you want them. Because I didn't let myself stop and give up on my routine and disciplines I was able to regain a sense of control compared to the panic I felt the other day. I was able to create some sort of motivation to propel myself in a positive direction.

So the take away lesson from this long and ranty post is that, (as stupid and duh as this sounds) just keep going. <3

Taking "Me" Time

Once in a while I will take a "me" day to mentally and physically give myself a break from work and life. I think it's essential to do that for ourselves here and there to rejuvenate and refocus. Normally on a day like this I would sleep in and watch TV in bed all day. But yesterday I took the liberty to give this day of "me time" some more value and actively engaged in activities that nurtured my soul.

I let myself sleep in and embarked on "me day" with a late start. The sun was shining brightly outside and my heart felt the slightest bit of warmth despite my previous onset of "internal cloudy days". I climbed out of bed and got dressed in the most comfortable outfit that hugged my body ever so gently. By now it had been lunch time and for the first time in a long time I encouraged myself to eat at a restaurant alone. So with my book and purse in hand, I stepped out the door to welcome the rest of "me day".

Lunch consisted of yummy pan fried pork buns with a side of sweet soy milk. Asian dishes like these often give me a sense of comfort and that day it didn't fail either. As I flipped through the pages of my "feel good" book and indulged in my simple lunch I felt a sense of peacefulness, in the stillness of my  rediscovered autonomy.

Following lunch I drove to the nearest coffee joint and sat down with a nice cup of brew and just read. A few hours went by and still ... I felt a sense of peacefulness.

As the rays of sunshine peaked through strands of my hair they lit up the pages I read, and warmed my heart a bit more. I stood up from the couch and walked out of the coffee shop with a breezy calmness.

I found myself sitting in central park awhile later, fully letting the sun embrace my body, every inch of it, and indulged in the moment for it made me feel whole, and it gave me love. In that moment, I felt fulfillment. It felt familiar, yet foreign, but it felt so good that I became teary eyed. I look around and just let this moment sink in. The sun, the green grass, shady trees with children running underneath, the children's laughter... All of this was so beautiful to me. I took a deep breath in and told myself that this, was love.

Suddenly, I realized that I was smiling...


Even though a day like this happens very rarely for me in my current state, on the rare occasion that it does take place, I'm reminded of how beautiful and amazing life really is. And that if we just allow ourselves to experience it this way more often, heart hearts could be that much fuller.

Yum. 

Depression, Growing Pains, Why I Haven't Been Blogging, and Other Random Thoughts

Scatter brained...

Sometimes I sit here and ponder about why I get random anxiety attacks, why the world isn't the way I perceived as a child any more,  and why things just don't feel right...anymore.

What changed? What's different? What happened to "happiness" that was once so easily obtained?
Whether it was saving up to get a toy that I wanted badly or simply just running around in the park like a crazy lunatic, being "happy" was never an issue as a child. I remember days I'd read manga on the floor of Borders and completely enjoy every second of it without spending a dime. Things like that... so innocent, so simple, yet made life so fulfilling and happy in that moment.

Fast forward to today, the same things done in a different time, aren't so fulfilling any more. I spend a good portion of my savings on vain beauty related things, eating out, treating myself, yet at the end of the day I still feel as hollow as ever. I think of running around like a wild lunatic in the park but the only thoughts that follow immediately are how crazy other people are going to think of me. I try to relive the pure bliss I had as a child sitting on the floor of Borders and completely emerging into unrealistic and fantasized scenarios but all I could hear in my mind are cynical remarks of how silly and ridiculous the characters are and how perfect scenarios depicted in these stories almost never occur in reality.

So what changed then?
I got older. Time wore me down. Life got to me.

Growing up I never had much, I didn't have a closely knit family, nor did I have many friends. Little things that I did for myself and little goals that I achieved in life really gave me the greatest joy. Every little milestone, every new friend, every "next stage" in life made me feel like I was growing up and becoming someone smarter, better, and life was going to be wonderful. I couldn't wait to fall in love.  I couldn't wait to graduate high school and go to college. I couldn't wait to graduate college and get a job and become a member of the society. All of these "couldn't wait" scenarios became reality one by one. Then one day suddenly here I am, sitting in front of a beat up mac book asking myself, why am I not happy?

As a "blogger" I'm always perceived as a bright, bubbly spirit who is expert at beauty and fashion and that everything in my life is covered with rainbows and sparkles. Sure, I was extremely passionate about beauty and fashion in the beginning, so inspired by every little new trick I learned, I couldn't wait to share with the world. The idea of inspiring others through blogging gave me fuel and made me want to learn... grow... so that I can continue to inspire. Then suddenly one day I saw what the blogging industry has become, a bunch of "pretty" girls shamelessly advertising products and selling their "images" (sometimes "body") in exchange for a penny. I'm guilty of it sometimes too, but that's where it got to me. I didn't want to be one of those girls. I no longer felt inspired nor did I feel like I was worthy any longer to inspire anyone else.

Social media is a toxic place filled with false advertisements and made up happiness. What you see in one glamorous picture does not depict the entirety of someone's life, and behind that bright smile may be deep sorrows and dark emotions. Most of us rely on the instant gratification that comes from social media to feel validated and sane, to feel like life has a purpose. But once the mirage of social media is taken away, nothing is left. The reason why I haven't been blogging or filming is because I have been struggling with self acceptance and finding clarity in a made up life that I trapped myself in. Social media, validations, acceptance from others. All of it at the end of the day is not integral to my own being. BUT, the very fact that it has dictated my life and my "happiness" became an invisible shackle that rendered me more and more helpless and closer and closer to a dark place that I can't climb out of. I originally started writing this post back in April of 2016. It's almost a year later now, and I came back to this post because one, I can no longer stand this self intoxication that things are okay when they are not, and two, I would like to proactively advocate on topics such as depression and self awareness to maybe, and perhaps, benefit those of you suffering from similar situations.

I'm not writing this post to gain pity from the world. What I'm beginning to learn is to accept myself and how I feel and not rely on outsourced validations that ultimately mean...nothing to me. I know my "problems" and "confusions" come from deeply rooted issues that were never addressed as a child and I thought burying them away would give me the opportunities to move forward to better things and happier moments in life. I'm also realizing that that's a foolish act. By avoiding these unresolved issues for so long I've only let them build up to the point of no return. I've subconsciously become a slave to them and show that in everything I do and every choice I make in life. I wanted to document my journey to self finding and self acceptance on social media because I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. If my story can help or inspire anyone at all. Even if it's just one other person and allow that person to feel the slightest sense of comfort and reassurance, then my job here is done.