Panic Attacks

Panic attacks, oh how confusing and frustrating of an experience they can be.

Growing up I never really knew what the extreme episodes of despair and helplessness I felt were, they'd come and go, usually in the most unexpected moments. I'd catch myself running out of breath, unable to control my mind, and feeling like the world is crumbling down all at once. Eventually they'd happen so often that you kind of know each time as a new occurrence takes place that "oh here it comes, brace yourself". But no matter how hard you try to prepare yourself for the imminent misfortune, when it hits, it hits hard. You'll never be able to sit through it without taking a huge blow to your mental stability. As your heart beats faster, almost like it's coming out of your chest, as you feel like you're being suffocated by the lack of oxygen caused by hyperventilation, as you feel crippled by the thoughts of despair and how you won't make it this time, underneath it all you beg for it to stop, and would give up anything for it to just end. 

I had another one of these today. While I sat there I had the sudden urge to document the process. So I somehow managed to take out my phone and recorded myself while the panic attack happened. I felt my eyes engorged with tears as I struggled to breathe. I repeated over and over in my head to breathe in, breathe out, one at a time, in, and out... I couldn't hear, I couldn't see, all I could feel was the sheer panic of"oh no, not again...". I texted the few friends whom I've entrusted myself to talk to in the past while these episodes took place, desperately hoping someone would pull me out of the downward spiral that was rapidly engulfing me whole. They text back and remind me to breathe and drink water, while I continue to spiral. In those moments even the people you feel closest to stop feeling the same, you start to question the validity of your relationships with them and how much they really care about you, and even if they did care there could always a level of impersonation. "Everyone's got their own problems, you are the last of their worries, you can't rely on anyone else to care for you. You are being a burden, you are being pitiful, you can't continue to confide in others while you're going through these things because no one can help you and you are just embarrassing yourself. You are a no one, not to them, not to anyone. Your problems mean nothing." These thoughts ran across my mind as I felt more tears in my eyes, so much but they won't come out for the life of me for some damn reason. I just wanted to cry and release, I wanted to be set free. I felt like maybe the tears would give me an outlet to feel better but they just held on for dear life and I felt more helpless and stuck than ever. And so, I sat in silence, eyes engorged with tears, head spinning, running out of breath, with my fears, shame, and lack of sense of self...

While I sat there and watched myself in the video I was recording it almost felt like an out of body experience. What looked back at me didn't feel like me, I couldn't relate or connect to the face staring back at me. She looked like she was taking some deep breaths but there wasn't any sign of panic. It almost looked pretentious to me. Was she struggling? Didn't seem like it. It actually looked like she was trying to pretend to be having a hard time. Is this what people see when I have a panic attack? Is this why there are more people out there struggling with this but we don't hear about the struggles as often as we should? These thoughts feel like pure lunacy, and nothing makes sense. Not the panic attacks themselves and not the thoughts that follow. The panic attack happened nearly two hours ago yet I'm still left feeling crippled as I'm sitting here typing these words. Why am I like this, why does this always happen, and why do I feel so worthless? How can I love myself when I'm so broken that I don't even know how to fix myself? How can things get better if they never stop? 

I feel angry and frustrated at myself for not being to fix things, I feel helpless in knowing that no one else can really do much for me, especially when they don't know what it all feels like. I am grateful for my friends for putting up with me all these years while I struggled through episodes after episodes. But to their disappointment and mine, these episodes never stopped, and doesn't feel like they will stop any time soon. 

I don't want to give in and think I will never get better. But not knowing why I struggle in the first place doesn't make staying positive an easy endeavor. I guess knowing I'm not the only one in this world who struggles like this does make things feel a little less scary. And for those of you out there with the same struggles I feel for you. I hope one day we can all rise above this and feel better again...

(About 3 weeks med free, but maybe it wasn't the best decision to get off in the first place? Maybe a post about my medication experiences in the next post?)

More Fucking Lemons from Life and How I Responded

Just when you feel like you made some bomb ass lemonade from the sour lemons life threw at you more came along.

FUCK.

"Positive Mental Attitude. I read this in a book. Keep your mind in a positive state and don't let those sour lemons sting your eyes." These are the thoughts that went through my mind. But to be honest, how many of us can really shift our mind sets under immense stress and negativity? I tried to tell myself that it isn't the end of the world but the negative thoughts are like pesty flies attacking a piece of rotten meat, relentless. This had been day... 3 or 4 of my attempt for "acceptance" for a situation that was completely due to "bad luck" or some "evil energy" lurking in the background that I had no control over.

Surprisingly I was handling it pretty well for the past few days. I hadn't freaked out at all up until this point albeit the shitty situation at hand and honestly I was low key proud of myself. But then life threw more sour lemons at me. WHAT?! MULTIPLE SHITTY VARIABLES AND EXPONENTIAL AMOUNT OF SOUR LEMONS?! I felt a gush of panic flow through my chest and my head started spinning. I realized that, shit, I'm not good at handling multiple shitty situations at once. (LOL) At this point I tried everything I possibly could to convince myself to practice a positive mental attitude, but the panic felt so overwhelming that my entire body felt sick. One thing led to another, and before I knew it I created a downward spiral with a bunch of useless info from the darkness of my subconscious...

This was yesterday, let's fast forward to today, to this moment. I FEEL FINE. I didn't die. This morning came just like any other morning. I got out of bed and came to work and ate breakfast and worked. Just like any other morning. I worked out. Now I'm sitting here, feeling pretty decently. How did I get through the panic? I CONTINUED WITH WHAT I HAD TO DO AND KEPT LIVING.
I know that sounds really stupid but I literally told myself to continue to do what I need to do and despite how shitty I felt in that moment to keep going. I went to Target and got a few things I needed, went home and made myself chicken noodle soup from a can (when you are sick and congested this is the best thing right?...-_- this is the best I can do lol.), then knocked the fuck out for an hour because at this point my body mentally and physically could not handle anything. But then I woke up and continued some more with life and yesterday turned into today, and here I am, and guess what, THINGS ARE OKAY.

Back to the situation that I was stressing over, now looking in retrospect, that one point it was just out of my hands and no matter how much I stress and freak out, I did the best I could and that should be enough. I shouldn't have been so tough on myself to cause all the unnecessary pain and pressure on my already uncomfortable body from acquiring a cold from someone at work. But this was what I was used to doing, create negative feed back loops that cause more negative thoughts to be created. What I learned from yesterday was that despite how shitty and terrible you may feel in any particular moment, life doesn't wait for you, and you have to continue regardless of how you feel. Once you make it past that hurdle what's facing you ahead is a new day that has endless potentials for positivity, only if you want them. Because I didn't let myself stop and give up on my routine and disciplines I was able to regain a sense of control compared to the panic I felt the other day. I was able to create some sort of motivation to propel myself in a positive direction.

So the take away lesson from this long and ranty post is that, (as stupid and duh as this sounds) just keep going. <3

Vulnerability Under Stress

Panic attack strikes again.

"Life throws you lemons. You make lemonade."
Easier said than done. Sometimes the lemons that life throws at me are so sour that they sting my eyes, they make me tear up, they make me feel defeated, and they make me feel like the world is going to end in that moment.

The weeks on end of radical self help and attempt at improvement has really helped, I think. Compared to the state I was in a few weeks ago. But this isn't something that can be fixed in a few short weeks. My anxiety is caused by deep rooted bad habits and my pessimistic mind's inclination to catastrophize very scenario until I corner myself and render myself useless. Upon realizing today that I really have no one else to rely on for things like these and in frantic, helpless moments like these other than... myself, my panic attack struck hard.

"Life throws you lemons."
Sometimes it IS like that, LIFE, THROWS lemons at you. You didn't ask for those lemons, you didn't ask for life to throw them at you, but it just does, and it throws these sour lemons at you when you think you are starting to do all the right things finally and things are going to be better. And then Bam! Sour fucking lemons in the face. What do you do? You can choose to be like me, become completely useless and self blame and dwell, or you can pick up those fucking sour lemons and throw it back at life. I'm currently writing this in attempt to convince myself to do just that.

My breathing is more contained now, I feel a little less fucking crazy, and looking back now, I was actually already doing the right things to throw those sour lemons back at life. But why didn't I give myself credit in those moments? I took immediate attention when I realized I had failed to apply for something that would require a bit of time and jumped on it right away. I called corresponding parties to inquire whether the remaining days would be enough time if I had taken action immediately now. They told me it should be okay. All I had to do was start and finish, even though the schedule is tight, but it's not un-doable. Things are fine then right? Nope, my mind continued to race and my heart palpitated with a tempo that rushed a shit load of blood into my brain, all of which led to my panic attack mentioned above. In moments like these I always feel SO ALONE. I feel useless, I feel like crying, I feel like I need someone to be there for me. But I failed to see that I am actually REALLY STRONG, and SMART. I knew what to do to try to fix the problem at hand, and I knew I had to put in hard work for something that might not even work out, and I also knew that I would be okay to take the responsibilities if that was the case. BUT. I didn't give myself credit for knowing all of that. My mind immediately went to look for comfort externally, when really, deep inside, I already took care of myself, I already took the actions necessary to prevent any more mistakes being made.

"Life throws you lemons."
I already knew how to make that lemonade. Maybe it's a sour lemonade, but I had it in myself to make something out of it. I just didn't and wasn't able to see it.

I'm understanding a bit more about myself each day, and every day I'm growing a bit stronger.
This, I think, is learning to love myself.

Taking "Me" Time

Once in a while I will take a "me" day to mentally and physically give myself a break from work and life. I think it's essential to do that for ourselves here and there to rejuvenate and refocus. Normally on a day like this I would sleep in and watch TV in bed all day. But yesterday I took the liberty to give this day of "me time" some more value and actively engaged in activities that nurtured my soul.

I let myself sleep in and embarked on "me day" with a late start. The sun was shining brightly outside and my heart felt the slightest bit of warmth despite my previous onset of "internal cloudy days". I climbed out of bed and got dressed in the most comfortable outfit that hugged my body ever so gently. By now it had been lunch time and for the first time in a long time I encouraged myself to eat at a restaurant alone. So with my book and purse in hand, I stepped out the door to welcome the rest of "me day".

Lunch consisted of yummy pan fried pork buns with a side of sweet soy milk. Asian dishes like these often give me a sense of comfort and that day it didn't fail either. As I flipped through the pages of my "feel good" book and indulged in my simple lunch I felt a sense of peacefulness, in the stillness of my  rediscovered autonomy.

Following lunch I drove to the nearest coffee joint and sat down with a nice cup of brew and just read. A few hours went by and still ... I felt a sense of peacefulness.

As the rays of sunshine peaked through strands of my hair they lit up the pages I read, and warmed my heart a bit more. I stood up from the couch and walked out of the coffee shop with a breezy calmness.

I found myself sitting in central park awhile later, fully letting the sun embrace my body, every inch of it, and indulged in the moment for it made me feel whole, and it gave me love. In that moment, I felt fulfillment. It felt familiar, yet foreign, but it felt so good that I became teary eyed. I look around and just let this moment sink in. The sun, the green grass, shady trees with children running underneath, the children's laughter... All of this was so beautiful to me. I took a deep breath in and told myself that this, was love.

Suddenly, I realized that I was smiling...


Even though a day like this happens very rarely for me in my current state, on the rare occasion that it does take place, I'm reminded of how beautiful and amazing life really is. And that if we just allow ourselves to experience it this way more often, heart hearts could be that much fuller.

Yum. 

What a 6 AM Workout Did For Me

Upon realizing that I had to get my shit together and change the way I've been living for the last 25 years of my life, this also included a radical incorporation of daily gym sessions compared to the 1-2 times a week prior. Originally I was going after work, around 5-6 PM, and finished around 7-8, this would mean the rest of my evening really involved eating, showering, and nothing else. I then decided it would be much more efficient to get gym out of the way during my 1 hr lunch break, and that was a game changer because it freed up so much time after work. I now had time to go out to dinner with friends or just sit back and read a good book (on radical self help... lol).

Today I did something drastically different than my normal routine. Instead of waking up at 7AM I set my alarm to 6 AM the night before, and actually woke up at 5:30 AM (God forbid, who am I?). I told myself I'd try going to the gym in the early AM and see if it makes a difference in how my day would progress. And behold! It's now about 11 AM in the morning, it might be too early to tell but I can tell you I feel significantly more positive and at ease. Not sure if it's because I "accomplished" something that I've never tried before, but the amount of peacefulness that I feel currently is really giving me hope and motivation to become better (whatever that means).

I arrived at the gym around 6:15 AM and proceeded with my fasted cardio work out. I set the timer on manual and run in intervals of 30 seconds with alternating speeds of 10 and 3.5. I do that for about 10 - 15 mins. I then proceeded to some light weight lifting. The thing about working out with an empty stomach is really a double edged sword, you burn more fat supposedly, but also because of  a lack of energy source, you can't work out as hard and thus can't push yourself as much. Regardless, I completed my one hr work out and headed back to work. The goal here is to lose the 10 lbs or ish I put on during this period of time that I no longer want to talk about because I seriously write about it too much. Many people look at me like I'm crazy and tell me I already look like paper, why do I want to lose weight? It's about self image and self love okay? If I feel like losing 10 lbs will make me feel better about myself then I will do just that. (Insert extreme sass here.)

Back at work, it's about 7:40 AM (This is the time I usually get ready to leave home to come to work, yet I'm already here, feeling pretty good.). It's quiet, not a lot of people are here yet, I check my emails, get some work done, drink my coffee and then got breakfast at the cafe downstairs, all before 8 AM. It is now 11 AM in the morning, and I have been awake, focused, with minimal negative thoughts on my mind. I felt a sense of lightness, almost floaty, and in 30 minutes I will go grab a healthy bite to conclude the morning half of my day.

Why am I documenting this? Because I want to remember this feeling, the feeling of taking care of myself and completing "goals" despite how small, and the feeling of following through and feeling good about it. Self empowerment is filled with challenges and roadblocks. I felt a strong set back over the weekend with the copious amount of precipitation and lack of sunlight. (Wouldn't it be nice to have someone here next to me to feel like everything is okay? Wouldn't it be nice to just cuddle with someone and eat junk food and watch movies? Yeah it is nice, but you know this is all you know how to do right? At the end of the day that hollow self will never be satiated, and you will never be happy. AND whoever that sad soul is next to you will feel suffocated and become miserable.) However, because I did this for myself today and followed through with it I challenged my body and my mind to try something new and feel good about it. I'm breathing, I'm living, I'm weeding through the darkness that tends to shroud my mind on a daily, little by little.

So the journey continues...

What My Panic Attacks Feel Like

I don't recall ever getting panic attacks until recent years. I think it was right after I came back home to NorCal that I started having them. At first they would feel like episodes of extreme negativity and I just thought I was having a bad day but they would become more frequent and less expected. Almost like an unwelcome guest who knocks on your door when you are least ready. Eventually they became something I realized I couldn't control and when they would come I'd have to just sit through them and cross my fingers for them to pass quickly.

As I'm typing this, with tears flooding out of my eyes uncontrollably, I'm having a panic attack. I tell myself to breathe, as methodically as I possibly could, in through the nose and out through the mouth, repeat..."deep breaths, you can do this, deep breaths..." I repeat to myself over and over again.

The one I'm currently having started off with a decently normal morning, followed by some work, then some lunch time high intensity interval trainings with coworkers (which I quite enjoyed), followed by an afternoon of restlessness and an influx of uncontrollable negative thoughts. I told myself I'd go to happy hour with a co worker and try to fend off this uneasiness I feel. But within that hour behind my mustered laughters I'd feel miserable, and wanted to go home immediately. It felt crippling. I felt uncomfortable and couldn't control the pounding negative thoughts taking over my brain and telling me to suffer. I rush home, immediately take off my makeup and change into something more comfortable, without sweat from lunch time workouts. My brain feels jumbled, my mind continues to race, I feel lost and frantic, I text someone I trust and tell him to give me a minute of comfort because I don't feel well. He calls me, I begin to explain how unwell I feel, and the tears would not stop. I feel despair, hopelessness, and alone...abandoned. I feel like I can't get better. I feel like this journey of self discovery and self love isn't going to have a good outcome, and I feel like I am wasting my time in trying to "be better" on my own. Everything feels miserable and I feel beaten, I feel like I can't make it. In my mind no matter how much I tell myself these are transient feelings that I should just witness and not react to I cannot find and end to this despair. He asks me if anything happened, and I manage to answer no, that I am having a panic attack and I can't control this feeling of hopelessness. He tells me to breath and things will be okay. I continue to tell myself the same. I tell him I will write this down and try to be calm.

As I'm typing now I realize the tears have stopped, and I feel a bit more calm. I still feel in a daze but because I'd let myself cry I don't feel as miserable. The scary part of having one of these episodes is not being able to control it. The self help books and the ideologies don't come in handy when your mind is going haywire. I have been trying on a daily basis to practice a positive mindset and self love from the moment I wake up in the last few weeks but when these panic attacks hit I am rendered absolutely useless. The last time I had one of these was awhile ago, actually a long while ago, so when today's episode came by I wasn't prepared for it. Now I feel an immense amount of tiredness. My eyes want to close and my breathing slows down.

I continue to breathe with an intentional methodical pattern, and I wait...

Depression, Growing Pains, Why I Haven't Been Blogging, and Other Random Thoughts

Scatter brained...

Sometimes I sit here and ponder about why I get random anxiety attacks, why the world isn't the way I perceived as a child any more,  and why things just don't feel right...anymore.

What changed? What's different? What happened to "happiness" that was once so easily obtained?
Whether it was saving up to get a toy that I wanted badly or simply just running around in the park like a crazy lunatic, being "happy" was never an issue as a child. I remember days I'd read manga on the floor of Borders and completely enjoy every second of it without spending a dime. Things like that... so innocent, so simple, yet made life so fulfilling and happy in that moment.

Fast forward to today, the same things done in a different time, aren't so fulfilling any more. I spend a good portion of my savings on vain beauty related things, eating out, treating myself, yet at the end of the day I still feel as hollow as ever. I think of running around like a wild lunatic in the park but the only thoughts that follow immediately are how crazy other people are going to think of me. I try to relive the pure bliss I had as a child sitting on the floor of Borders and completely emerging into unrealistic and fantasized scenarios but all I could hear in my mind are cynical remarks of how silly and ridiculous the characters are and how perfect scenarios depicted in these stories almost never occur in reality.

So what changed then?
I got older. Time wore me down. Life got to me.

Growing up I never had much, I didn't have a closely knit family, nor did I have many friends. Little things that I did for myself and little goals that I achieved in life really gave me the greatest joy. Every little milestone, every new friend, every "next stage" in life made me feel like I was growing up and becoming someone smarter, better, and life was going to be wonderful. I couldn't wait to fall in love.  I couldn't wait to graduate high school and go to college. I couldn't wait to graduate college and get a job and become a member of the society. All of these "couldn't wait" scenarios became reality one by one. Then one day suddenly here I am, sitting in front of a beat up mac book asking myself, why am I not happy?

As a "blogger" I'm always perceived as a bright, bubbly spirit who is expert at beauty and fashion and that everything in my life is covered with rainbows and sparkles. Sure, I was extremely passionate about beauty and fashion in the beginning, so inspired by every little new trick I learned, I couldn't wait to share with the world. The idea of inspiring others through blogging gave me fuel and made me want to learn... grow... so that I can continue to inspire. Then suddenly one day I saw what the blogging industry has become, a bunch of "pretty" girls shamelessly advertising products and selling their "images" (sometimes "body") in exchange for a penny. I'm guilty of it sometimes too, but that's where it got to me. I didn't want to be one of those girls. I no longer felt inspired nor did I feel like I was worthy any longer to inspire anyone else.

Social media is a toxic place filled with false advertisements and made up happiness. What you see in one glamorous picture does not depict the entirety of someone's life, and behind that bright smile may be deep sorrows and dark emotions. Most of us rely on the instant gratification that comes from social media to feel validated and sane, to feel like life has a purpose. But once the mirage of social media is taken away, nothing is left. The reason why I haven't been blogging or filming is because I have been struggling with self acceptance and finding clarity in a made up life that I trapped myself in. Social media, validations, acceptance from others. All of it at the end of the day is not integral to my own being. BUT, the very fact that it has dictated my life and my "happiness" became an invisible shackle that rendered me more and more helpless and closer and closer to a dark place that I can't climb out of. I originally started writing this post back in April of 2016. It's almost a year later now, and I came back to this post because one, I can no longer stand this self intoxication that things are okay when they are not, and two, I would like to proactively advocate on topics such as depression and self awareness to maybe, and perhaps, benefit those of you suffering from similar situations.

I'm not writing this post to gain pity from the world. What I'm beginning to learn is to accept myself and how I feel and not rely on outsourced validations that ultimately mean...nothing to me. I know my "problems" and "confusions" come from deeply rooted issues that were never addressed as a child and I thought burying them away would give me the opportunities to move forward to better things and happier moments in life. I'm also realizing that that's a foolish act. By avoiding these unresolved issues for so long I've only let them build up to the point of no return. I've subconsciously become a slave to them and show that in everything I do and every choice I make in life. I wanted to document my journey to self finding and self acceptance on social media because I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. If my story can help or inspire anyone at all. Even if it's just one other person and allow that person to feel the slightest sense of comfort and reassurance, then my job here is done.

Combating negativity, starting with small gestures

Throughout my Youtube/ Online blogging career I never really touched base on more personal topics like mental health. As I'm getting older I find that being in touch with your emotional needs is just as important as everything else in life, if not the most important. I am guilty of putting my feelings aside to power through long work days and then turning myself into a lifeless blob at the end of the day only to face another day of robotic engagements again. Over time it's becoming a habit, and I always find myself in the foulest of moods. I notice that I'm always down in the dumps and people don't want to be around me because I'm so ... not fun to be around. I find myself constantly traveling back to younger days when worries and stress were foreign vocabulary and life really was just all about having fun and...well, living. I find myself enjoying those days so much more now that they're long gone and I constantly crave those feelings that I no longer feel. Feeling negative is a choice, once you make that first step it turns into 10 steps, 20 steps, etc. You tread deeper and deeper into those negative feelings and things sort of find themselves in a negative feedback loop. The more bad choices you make the more terrible you feel. It could be as small as sleeping the day away, then waking up to find the day has gone and it's now dark outside, ultimately making you feel worse. That's just one example of something small that could feed into the negativity. Of course this only touches base on the surface of bigger/ larger issues that tend to hide inside of each one of us. I honestly don't have a solution for this. It feels like a lot sometimes and I can only do a few things to alleviate some surface symptoms.
The first thing we all need when times are tough is a breather. And by that I mean, literally that. Take a minute and take five deep breaths, and count from 5 down to 1. With each breath, really take the time to inhale deeply and also exhale deeply. By the time you get to the last deep breath you should feel a lot more relaxed. The point of taking these five deep breaths is to really take a little time for yourself and just pause from whatever chaos that's happening. Taking deep breaths also allow your brain to get more oxygen and trust me, we need that.
I also take initiative to get sunlight when I'm feeling "not so happy". Something about the warmth of the sun can really perk up a blueish mood. I'll open up all of my blinds and open the window wide to let the sun rays seep in along with some nice, fresh air. By now I usually feel 10x better.
Another thing I like to do is make a cup of hot tea (flavoring is your choice). I like to go for teas that contain little to no caffeine. (Chamomile, Peppermint, etc) Caffeine is great for a quick pick me up but you also face the dangers of a hard crash later and that might make you feel worse than you already did, counterproductive to what we are trying to do here. So grab a cute mug, snuggle up in some fuzzy blankets and enjoy a cup of hot tea. I also like doing this while sun bathing, along with some fresh air. I think this is a delicious combo suitable for a down mood that desperately needs a lift me up.
Lastly, if none of the above is helping, then I'd say pick yourself up and head to the gym. Get a good workout in, this will help you get your blood pumping and exercising releases endorphin that will make you feel good. I have a hard time doing this. I honestly do. Yesterday was my first time at the gym in 2-3 months and it was tough to even get my butt in there. I pay every month for that stupid gym membership but I never go. I always find myself with some lame excuse to get myself out of going. But honestly if I had just been less lazy I feel like I'd be in a better mood.
So that's about it, four little things you can do to alleviate some of that nasty symptoms of feeling down. I can't say that they will cure anything because to be honest with you they haven't cured anything for me. The key word here is "alleviate". They won't cure anything but definitely helps a bit. Good luck.