Panic Attacks

Panic attacks, oh how confusing and frustrating of an experience they can be.

Growing up I never really knew what the extreme episodes of despair and helplessness I felt were, they'd come and go, usually in the most unexpected moments. I'd catch myself running out of breath, unable to control my mind, and feeling like the world is crumbling down all at once. Eventually they'd happen so often that you kind of know each time as a new occurrence takes place that "oh here it comes, brace yourself". But no matter how hard you try to prepare yourself for the imminent misfortune, when it hits, it hits hard. You'll never be able to sit through it without taking a huge blow to your mental stability. As your heart beats faster, almost like it's coming out of your chest, as you feel like you're being suffocated by the lack of oxygen caused by hyperventilation, as you feel crippled by the thoughts of despair and how you won't make it this time, underneath it all you beg for it to stop, and would give up anything for it to just end. 

I had another one of these today. While I sat there I had the sudden urge to document the process. So I somehow managed to take out my phone and recorded myself while the panic attack happened. I felt my eyes engorged with tears as I struggled to breathe. I repeated over and over in my head to breathe in, breathe out, one at a time, in, and out... I couldn't hear, I couldn't see, all I could feel was the sheer panic of"oh no, not again...". I texted the few friends whom I've entrusted myself to talk to in the past while these episodes took place, desperately hoping someone would pull me out of the downward spiral that was rapidly engulfing me whole. They text back and remind me to breathe and drink water, while I continue to spiral. In those moments even the people you feel closest to stop feeling the same, you start to question the validity of your relationships with them and how much they really care about you, and even if they did care there could always a level of impersonation. "Everyone's got their own problems, you are the last of their worries, you can't rely on anyone else to care for you. You are being a burden, you are being pitiful, you can't continue to confide in others while you're going through these things because no one can help you and you are just embarrassing yourself. You are a no one, not to them, not to anyone. Your problems mean nothing." These thoughts ran across my mind as I felt more tears in my eyes, so much but they won't come out for the life of me for some damn reason. I just wanted to cry and release, I wanted to be set free. I felt like maybe the tears would give me an outlet to feel better but they just held on for dear life and I felt more helpless and stuck than ever. And so, I sat in silence, eyes engorged with tears, head spinning, running out of breath, with my fears, shame, and lack of sense of self...

While I sat there and watched myself in the video I was recording it almost felt like an out of body experience. What looked back at me didn't feel like me, I couldn't relate or connect to the face staring back at me. She looked like she was taking some deep breaths but there wasn't any sign of panic. It almost looked pretentious to me. Was she struggling? Didn't seem like it. It actually looked like she was trying to pretend to be having a hard time. Is this what people see when I have a panic attack? Is this why there are more people out there struggling with this but we don't hear about the struggles as often as we should? These thoughts feel like pure lunacy, and nothing makes sense. Not the panic attacks themselves and not the thoughts that follow. The panic attack happened nearly two hours ago yet I'm still left feeling crippled as I'm sitting here typing these words. Why am I like this, why does this always happen, and why do I feel so worthless? How can I love myself when I'm so broken that I don't even know how to fix myself? How can things get better if they never stop? 

I feel angry and frustrated at myself for not being to fix things, I feel helpless in knowing that no one else can really do much for me, especially when they don't know what it all feels like. I am grateful for my friends for putting up with me all these years while I struggled through episodes after episodes. But to their disappointment and mine, these episodes never stopped, and doesn't feel like they will stop any time soon. 

I don't want to give in and think I will never get better. But not knowing why I struggle in the first place doesn't make staying positive an easy endeavor. I guess knowing I'm not the only one in this world who struggles like this does make things feel a little less scary. And for those of you out there with the same struggles I feel for you. I hope one day we can all rise above this and feel better again...

(About 3 weeks med free, but maybe it wasn't the best decision to get off in the first place? Maybe a post about my medication experiences in the next post?)

Invisible Contentment

Today's post will be slightly different from all the other ones lately. I've been struggling internally to find a place where I can be content and stay there. It has been a conscious effort to keep positivity and motivation. However, amidst all this effort, I suddenly realized today that I was HAPPY. I didn't need to think about being happy, or make an effort to be happy, or force myself to acknowledge some sort of gratefulness from a conscious mental reminder.

As I stood in the middle of the parking lot with the sun shining over my head, at some random moment during the day, I felt myself smiling, for absolutely no reason.

IT WAS THE BEST FEELING EVER.

I just wanted to share this with the world. It was AMAZING.

Smiling just because, for no absolute reason, because we can.

:)



End of post.

Vulnerability Under Stress

Panic attack strikes again.

"Life throws you lemons. You make lemonade."
Easier said than done. Sometimes the lemons that life throws at me are so sour that they sting my eyes, they make me tear up, they make me feel defeated, and they make me feel like the world is going to end in that moment.

The weeks on end of radical self help and attempt at improvement has really helped, I think. Compared to the state I was in a few weeks ago. But this isn't something that can be fixed in a few short weeks. My anxiety is caused by deep rooted bad habits and my pessimistic mind's inclination to catastrophize very scenario until I corner myself and render myself useless. Upon realizing today that I really have no one else to rely on for things like these and in frantic, helpless moments like these other than... myself, my panic attack struck hard.

"Life throws you lemons."
Sometimes it IS like that, LIFE, THROWS lemons at you. You didn't ask for those lemons, you didn't ask for life to throw them at you, but it just does, and it throws these sour lemons at you when you think you are starting to do all the right things finally and things are going to be better. And then Bam! Sour fucking lemons in the face. What do you do? You can choose to be like me, become completely useless and self blame and dwell, or you can pick up those fucking sour lemons and throw it back at life. I'm currently writing this in attempt to convince myself to do just that.

My breathing is more contained now, I feel a little less fucking crazy, and looking back now, I was actually already doing the right things to throw those sour lemons back at life. But why didn't I give myself credit in those moments? I took immediate attention when I realized I had failed to apply for something that would require a bit of time and jumped on it right away. I called corresponding parties to inquire whether the remaining days would be enough time if I had taken action immediately now. They told me it should be okay. All I had to do was start and finish, even though the schedule is tight, but it's not un-doable. Things are fine then right? Nope, my mind continued to race and my heart palpitated with a tempo that rushed a shit load of blood into my brain, all of which led to my panic attack mentioned above. In moments like these I always feel SO ALONE. I feel useless, I feel like crying, I feel like I need someone to be there for me. But I failed to see that I am actually REALLY STRONG, and SMART. I knew what to do to try to fix the problem at hand, and I knew I had to put in hard work for something that might not even work out, and I also knew that I would be okay to take the responsibilities if that was the case. BUT. I didn't give myself credit for knowing all of that. My mind immediately went to look for comfort externally, when really, deep inside, I already took care of myself, I already took the actions necessary to prevent any more mistakes being made.

"Life throws you lemons."
I already knew how to make that lemonade. Maybe it's a sour lemonade, but I had it in myself to make something out of it. I just didn't and wasn't able to see it.

I'm understanding a bit more about myself each day, and every day I'm growing a bit stronger.
This, I think, is learning to love myself.

What a 6 AM Workout Did For Me

Upon realizing that I had to get my shit together and change the way I've been living for the last 25 years of my life, this also included a radical incorporation of daily gym sessions compared to the 1-2 times a week prior. Originally I was going after work, around 5-6 PM, and finished around 7-8, this would mean the rest of my evening really involved eating, showering, and nothing else. I then decided it would be much more efficient to get gym out of the way during my 1 hr lunch break, and that was a game changer because it freed up so much time after work. I now had time to go out to dinner with friends or just sit back and read a good book (on radical self help... lol).

Today I did something drastically different than my normal routine. Instead of waking up at 7AM I set my alarm to 6 AM the night before, and actually woke up at 5:30 AM (God forbid, who am I?). I told myself I'd try going to the gym in the early AM and see if it makes a difference in how my day would progress. And behold! It's now about 11 AM in the morning, it might be too early to tell but I can tell you I feel significantly more positive and at ease. Not sure if it's because I "accomplished" something that I've never tried before, but the amount of peacefulness that I feel currently is really giving me hope and motivation to become better (whatever that means).

I arrived at the gym around 6:15 AM and proceeded with my fasted cardio work out. I set the timer on manual and run in intervals of 30 seconds with alternating speeds of 10 and 3.5. I do that for about 10 - 15 mins. I then proceeded to some light weight lifting. The thing about working out with an empty stomach is really a double edged sword, you burn more fat supposedly, but also because of  a lack of energy source, you can't work out as hard and thus can't push yourself as much. Regardless, I completed my one hr work out and headed back to work. The goal here is to lose the 10 lbs or ish I put on during this period of time that I no longer want to talk about because I seriously write about it too much. Many people look at me like I'm crazy and tell me I already look like paper, why do I want to lose weight? It's about self image and self love okay? If I feel like losing 10 lbs will make me feel better about myself then I will do just that. (Insert extreme sass here.)

Back at work, it's about 7:40 AM (This is the time I usually get ready to leave home to come to work, yet I'm already here, feeling pretty good.). It's quiet, not a lot of people are here yet, I check my emails, get some work done, drink my coffee and then got breakfast at the cafe downstairs, all before 8 AM. It is now 11 AM in the morning, and I have been awake, focused, with minimal negative thoughts on my mind. I felt a sense of lightness, almost floaty, and in 30 minutes I will go grab a healthy bite to conclude the morning half of my day.

Why am I documenting this? Because I want to remember this feeling, the feeling of taking care of myself and completing "goals" despite how small, and the feeling of following through and feeling good about it. Self empowerment is filled with challenges and roadblocks. I felt a strong set back over the weekend with the copious amount of precipitation and lack of sunlight. (Wouldn't it be nice to have someone here next to me to feel like everything is okay? Wouldn't it be nice to just cuddle with someone and eat junk food and watch movies? Yeah it is nice, but you know this is all you know how to do right? At the end of the day that hollow self will never be satiated, and you will never be happy. AND whoever that sad soul is next to you will feel suffocated and become miserable.) However, because I did this for myself today and followed through with it I challenged my body and my mind to try something new and feel good about it. I'm breathing, I'm living, I'm weeding through the darkness that tends to shroud my mind on a daily, little by little.

So the journey continues...

What My Panic Attacks Feel Like

I don't recall ever getting panic attacks until recent years. I think it was right after I came back home to NorCal that I started having them. At first they would feel like episodes of extreme negativity and I just thought I was having a bad day but they would become more frequent and less expected. Almost like an unwelcome guest who knocks on your door when you are least ready. Eventually they became something I realized I couldn't control and when they would come I'd have to just sit through them and cross my fingers for them to pass quickly.

As I'm typing this, with tears flooding out of my eyes uncontrollably, I'm having a panic attack. I tell myself to breathe, as methodically as I possibly could, in through the nose and out through the mouth, repeat..."deep breaths, you can do this, deep breaths..." I repeat to myself over and over again.

The one I'm currently having started off with a decently normal morning, followed by some work, then some lunch time high intensity interval trainings with coworkers (which I quite enjoyed), followed by an afternoon of restlessness and an influx of uncontrollable negative thoughts. I told myself I'd go to happy hour with a co worker and try to fend off this uneasiness I feel. But within that hour behind my mustered laughters I'd feel miserable, and wanted to go home immediately. It felt crippling. I felt uncomfortable and couldn't control the pounding negative thoughts taking over my brain and telling me to suffer. I rush home, immediately take off my makeup and change into something more comfortable, without sweat from lunch time workouts. My brain feels jumbled, my mind continues to race, I feel lost and frantic, I text someone I trust and tell him to give me a minute of comfort because I don't feel well. He calls me, I begin to explain how unwell I feel, and the tears would not stop. I feel despair, hopelessness, and alone...abandoned. I feel like I can't get better. I feel like this journey of self discovery and self love isn't going to have a good outcome, and I feel like I am wasting my time in trying to "be better" on my own. Everything feels miserable and I feel beaten, I feel like I can't make it. In my mind no matter how much I tell myself these are transient feelings that I should just witness and not react to I cannot find and end to this despair. He asks me if anything happened, and I manage to answer no, that I am having a panic attack and I can't control this feeling of hopelessness. He tells me to breath and things will be okay. I continue to tell myself the same. I tell him I will write this down and try to be calm.

As I'm typing now I realize the tears have stopped, and I feel a bit more calm. I still feel in a daze but because I'd let myself cry I don't feel as miserable. The scary part of having one of these episodes is not being able to control it. The self help books and the ideologies don't come in handy when your mind is going haywire. I have been trying on a daily basis to practice a positive mindset and self love from the moment I wake up in the last few weeks but when these panic attacks hit I am rendered absolutely useless. The last time I had one of these was awhile ago, actually a long while ago, so when today's episode came by I wasn't prepared for it. Now I feel an immense amount of tiredness. My eyes want to close and my breathing slows down.

I continue to breathe with an intentional methodical pattern, and I wait...

Self Reflection: Self Confidence VS Self Esteem

Before I head to bed I want to quickly write down my sleepy thoughts and the debate I've been having with myself in the last few days. Self confidence and self esteem, I've always thought the two were synonymous and interchangeable. Growing up I used to be super shy and introverted. If you read my previous blog posts you got a sense of what it was like in my younger days when I'd enjoy mostly of activities consisting of me, myself, and I (lol, I really enjoyed the independence and the lack of other people's opinions). As I got older I became a little more extroverted, I liked surrounding myself with people, and I enjoyed getting to know them and connecting on a spiritual level. With more life experiences and social interactions came more self confidence. I felt like I knew how to handle myself socially in front of not only my friends but also strangers, and that the entire process of this human to human interaction was quite enjoyable to me. Because I felt like I was confident in myself and my actions around others I also felt like I had high self esteem and knew my worth.

However, after 25 years of trial and error, and my newly found effort to self love, I also found myself challenging the idea of self confidence VS self esteem. I read in a book somewhere that self confidences is acquired and comes with experience, while self esteem, really is innate and should be acknowledged to exist since the day you were born. This LITERALLY BLEW MY MIND. I think most of us are under the impression that the two terms are similar enough to be used interchangeably and while you have one you automatically have the other because they're essentially the same. At least this was my perception on the idea of these two terms. I felt like because I was confident and had confidence around people that would naturally translate into having self esteem and knowing my self worth. Because I know how to make people like me I must know what I am worth inside to get what I deserve. After digging deeper through my jumbled mind for the past few days I suddenly realized that I NEVER HAD SELF ESTEEM. 

Growing up I was always a prideful child, I told myself I didn't need anyone else and that I can always be the best if I put my mind to something. I don't need social interactions and I don't need help from others. But I think behind that tough child was a lack of self esteem because no one really taught me to be proud of the innate value that each human being is born with and that we are entitled to this proudness of being human. As I got older I learned to please others so that they would like me, and over time because I got so good at getting people to like me it built my confidence in social situations. Same goes for relationships, for as long as I can remember, in each of my relationships I would try to please my significant other and get them to respect me out of my pleasing them. But you see friends, I've got it all wrong. Because my self confidence came from validation from others and not from within, when you remove the external factors I was left with a hollow shell and an empty heart. When I'd be alone I would feel sad and lonely, I would feel like I need to have the company of someone else, whether it be a lover or a friend. Overtime I found myself constantly looking for companionship, through dating, through friends. I started realizing that I had become a serial dater in that I couldn't stand being alone and the feeling of that excruciating loneliness from the lack of "love" and "validation" to feed my ego and "confidence". In reality, what I really needed was a sense of self esteem and the innate right to my worth and knowing that worth. 

It's not easy to suddenly find that self worth and esteem after 25 years of being ignorant from it. I find it difficult to make myself believe that yes, I AM worth the respect and the love that I deserve. And that I don't need to go out of my way to please others to get that respect and I don't need to latch on when someone doesn't want to give me that respect and love. Because in my heart, I should know to love myself and be proud of that innate right to being human, to have that sense of self esteem, to RESPECT MYSELF ABOVE ANYTHING AND ANYONE ELSE. 

Self confidence comes with experience and practice, but self esteem, should really be in our hearts as the basis to everything we do in life. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that each and every single one of us deserves this self love, and only through acknowledging it to be true can we really have a good foundation for other aspects of our lives. 

Love yourself, accept it, practice it, and find the self esteem that each of us are innately born with. And with that thought, I'll let myself drift off into dream land...

<3

Self Reflection: Being Emotional VS Being Bound By Emotions

As mentioned in my previous post, over the years I have realized that I'm a very emotional person. I tend to get caught up with feelings and let them dictate my behaviors. I saw this as "being in tune with myself". I always told myself because I am able to act on my emotions and how I feel in the moment I am being truthful to who I am and I am living a life of honesty and integrity. This had been the case for 25 years and I never questioned it once.

After 25 years of tumbling through the motions I started to realize that many of the things I've been doing and the "methods" of life that I adopted simply just weren't working for me. I was unhappy, ungrateful, and tired of everything that it was, my life. Upon that realization I eagerly looked for answers in any shape or form, I read a number of self help books and articles after articles regarding the psyche and human functions and stumbled upon something that made me challenge the idea of "being in tune with myself" for the last 25 years.

The idea was that we as humans are so often affected by our emotions and act upon them despite the consequences that it becomes an invisible shackle which ties us down and makes us suffer. Now, I'm overly simplifying things here in one condensed and not so well structured sentence. But the basic idea here is that we often are so "in tune" with how we "feel", that no matter how destructive this "feeling" may really be and how it may influence us to behave in a non beneficial way towards our lives, we will still stubbornly act upon it because we think we are doing the right thing. This made me think about all the decisions I've made in the past, some were good ones, but many were debilitating. Out of all the ones that hurt me and made me miserable, I continued to make them as time went on and repeated the pattern over and over again because I thought I was being "honest" to my "feelings" and being "in tune with myself". However, what I failed to realize is that emotions are directly linked to our ego, our egoic self wants to act on these emotions regardless of whether it is beneficial or debilitating. Because I acted on every single "feeling" that I had, they, the feelings, dictated my life and my being. I was not really in control of my life. I let my ego and emotions dictate my behaviors and did not filter based on whether the actions would propel my life in a positive and more wholesome direction. And in turn, many of those actions that I took, actually were terrible ones that ended up pushing me deeper and deeper into a hole of misery. I was bounded by my emotions and became a slave to my ego, all the while, thinking that I was "doing the right thing". This continues to feed my ego and thus letting it control more of my life and my being. It became a cycle of toxicity and self inflicted pain-bodies and I did not even realize it.

Now, being emotional isn't necessarily a bad thing. Having emotions and feeling them is human nature and there is no way we can avoid it all together. However, not all emotions need to be acted upon. Some are good ones that propel us to do things to better ourselves; while some, and I'm very familiar with these, are purely toxic and will influence us to create more negative feelings (thus a cycle continues). I think it's still very possible to be in tune with yourself without acting on every single feeling, instead of acting upon some, simply observe, know that it's there, and watch it pass by. By giving up a reaction to those negative feelings you regain control of yourself and your being, while still very much in touch with yourself. But instead of being bound by your emotions, you now gain ownership to them.

So yes, while I am a very emotional person and felt like I was "in tune with myself" all my life, truth is, I was just giving myself reasons and excuses to continue a toxic cycle that wasn't working. I now strive to be in tune with myself and also remind myself to realize when a negative feeling is urging me to create a toxic reaction. This requires constant discipline and awareness, something I'm not very familiar with. I know that this journey of self finding and pursuit of joy will take a lot of effort and presence, but I also know as with anything else, hard work will pay off in the end.

Combating negativity, starting with small gestures

Throughout my Youtube/ Online blogging career I never really touched base on more personal topics like mental health. As I'm getting older I find that being in touch with your emotional needs is just as important as everything else in life, if not the most important. I am guilty of putting my feelings aside to power through long work days and then turning myself into a lifeless blob at the end of the day only to face another day of robotic engagements again. Over time it's becoming a habit, and I always find myself in the foulest of moods. I notice that I'm always down in the dumps and people don't want to be around me because I'm so ... not fun to be around. I find myself constantly traveling back to younger days when worries and stress were foreign vocabulary and life really was just all about having fun and...well, living. I find myself enjoying those days so much more now that they're long gone and I constantly crave those feelings that I no longer feel. Feeling negative is a choice, once you make that first step it turns into 10 steps, 20 steps, etc. You tread deeper and deeper into those negative feelings and things sort of find themselves in a negative feedback loop. The more bad choices you make the more terrible you feel. It could be as small as sleeping the day away, then waking up to find the day has gone and it's now dark outside, ultimately making you feel worse. That's just one example of something small that could feed into the negativity. Of course this only touches base on the surface of bigger/ larger issues that tend to hide inside of each one of us. I honestly don't have a solution for this. It feels like a lot sometimes and I can only do a few things to alleviate some surface symptoms.
The first thing we all need when times are tough is a breather. And by that I mean, literally that. Take a minute and take five deep breaths, and count from 5 down to 1. With each breath, really take the time to inhale deeply and also exhale deeply. By the time you get to the last deep breath you should feel a lot more relaxed. The point of taking these five deep breaths is to really take a little time for yourself and just pause from whatever chaos that's happening. Taking deep breaths also allow your brain to get more oxygen and trust me, we need that.
I also take initiative to get sunlight when I'm feeling "not so happy". Something about the warmth of the sun can really perk up a blueish mood. I'll open up all of my blinds and open the window wide to let the sun rays seep in along with some nice, fresh air. By now I usually feel 10x better.
Another thing I like to do is make a cup of hot tea (flavoring is your choice). I like to go for teas that contain little to no caffeine. (Chamomile, Peppermint, etc) Caffeine is great for a quick pick me up but you also face the dangers of a hard crash later and that might make you feel worse than you already did, counterproductive to what we are trying to do here. So grab a cute mug, snuggle up in some fuzzy blankets and enjoy a cup of hot tea. I also like doing this while sun bathing, along with some fresh air. I think this is a delicious combo suitable for a down mood that desperately needs a lift me up.
Lastly, if none of the above is helping, then I'd say pick yourself up and head to the gym. Get a good workout in, this will help you get your blood pumping and exercising releases endorphin that will make you feel good. I have a hard time doing this. I honestly do. Yesterday was my first time at the gym in 2-3 months and it was tough to even get my butt in there. I pay every month for that stupid gym membership but I never go. I always find myself with some lame excuse to get myself out of going. But honestly if I had just been less lazy I feel like I'd be in a better mood.
So that's about it, four little things you can do to alleviate some of that nasty symptoms of feeling down. I can't say that they will cure anything because to be honest with you they haven't cured anything for me. The key word here is "alleviate". They won't cure anything but definitely helps a bit. Good luck.

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"Happiness is a mood, a condition, not a destination."

I can't really say that this "condition" presents itself frequently in my current state. I don't know how long it's been this way but it seems like I've long forgotten how this "condition" feels. What makes us unique is the ability to feel, when one can no longer feel does that mark the end of humanity? Being disconnected from surroundings and from the world yet pretending to be "living" feels so terrible. But I think a lot of us do that because it takes that from us to survive. And although surviving isn't nearly as enjoyable as "living", the very primal instincts inside of each one of us direct us to continue to hold on. 

I can't complain about my life, I really can't. There are so many unfortunate souls out there without a roof above their heads and without clothes on their back. I have a wonderful rented home with three fabulous housemates and I make enough money every month to pay rent and fill my stomach. On top of all that I have the luxury to treat myself here and there with little gifts I spoil myself with and really, I can't complain about life. But... I'm not happy. 

It feels as though I've gotten into a routine of banal daily activities that entail the same thoughtless movements. Wake up, work, go home, feel disconnected and exhausted from life, force myself to sleep to face the next day... repeat. I am so grateful for being able to have a decent job that enables me to have a life with decent comfort (being a single girl at 22 yrs old). I had graduated from UC Irvine with a bachelor's degree in Biological Sciences back in March and felt utter despair from realization that a minuscule  degree like the one I had obtained through sweat and blood was in fact, useless. But I think I should thank someone out there, maybe Jesus, for letting me find a job within two months after graduation, a job that would allow me to live independently and comfortably. But all of this, from graduating college, to finding a job, to today, to this very moment, I don't feel accomplished or grounded for any of it. I don't feel proud of myself for graduating in three and a half years for a degree that I virtually had learned nothing from, I don't feel proud of myself for finding a job that supports a decently comfortable lifestyle for me, and I don't feel proud of myself for being... me. Why? Because I'm not happy.

I don't want to be perceived as a sappy person who cannot handle life, one who dwells upon the "unfortunate" life that she has, so I put on an impeccably tough mask that shields me from everything and everyone. I smile, I laugh, almost automatically, I don't think. These "emotions", or reactions, rather, just come forth by themselves throughout the day. They're little tokens that mark me as a "normal human" to others.  A simple smile, chuckle, or laugh can divert people away from my tormented inner self, and thus I can blend into the normal every day world perfectly fine. Time after time this pretend self of mine almost feels like what should be. Automatic, lifeless, robotic. For awhile it worked for me. I felt like I could put on this show for the world and do what I "should" do, pretend to be a certain way so I can survive this world. Live a "comfortable" life that doesn't require all that much from me. But recently I've been feeling more anxiety than usual and every little thing I encounter throughout the day bestows an ominous, suffocating cast of darkness upon me. I feel weary, afraid, more lost than ever. I don't want to wake up every morning and I don't want to interact with other human beings.  It's gotten to the point that I don't feel like doing ANYTHING. By that I mean, EVERYTHING. Going on with the day makes me feel extreme anxiety. The need to interact with other human beings induce excruciating anxiety. The fact that I have to get out of bed and go to work, which leads to inevitable interactions with others, gives me terrible anxiety. I hate it. I feel so much pressure inside at all times, the amount of anxiety I feel only increases by day and seems to be going strong. Anxiety, fear, the feelings of despair, of hopelessness, worthlessness, emptiness. But really though, I know I have so much to be grateful for, and I am. I really am. I'm so grateful for everything I have. But I am so unhappy... Sitting here writing this blog post almost feels counter intuitive because I don't want this side of me to be exposed. However, I am almost certain that as strange as I may be and as terrible as I may feel, these feelings are probably more normal than I perceive them to be and that I am not the only one who feels this way. Underneath it all, all of the rainbows and sparkles I embellish myself with, this is how I really am. I am far from being perfect, far from the happy, carefree fairy princess that you see from Youtube and Instagram. We are all just striving to make sense out of life and going through the motions to get to a point where things feel like they fall in the right place. I'm far from that place right now but I hope to get there soon. For all of you out there, let's strive together. 

Best of luck.